Who knows my pain?

There are plenty of things flying through my mind at the moment. A lot of things I can't work out. A lot of things I had worked out, but can't put down. For some reason this year I'd spent this holidays reminiscing on old times. Through this summer holiday, I'd been thinking of all the things that had happened in the past. The friends that I had made through the years. The friends I have left after so many years. And I realise something. I can count the number of true friends I have with the number of fingers I have. Actually it might be even only the fingers on one hand. Of course when it comes to friends, it isn't the quantity but rather the quality that counts. But it is really quite a sad statistic. 24 years, less than 10 friends that I can count on.

Had a very good dinner on wednesday night with des, nf and yf at Brewerks. Of course the presence of alcohol helped alot but I haven't felt so relaxed in a very long time. I haven't laughed so heartily in months, maybe years. Looking back, I can't remember the last time we actually had a guys' night out. Such nights will probably become a much rarer commodity in time to come as everyone leave school and enter the workforce. Even now with most of my friends attached, it's very difficult organising a semi-spontaneous get-together.

I took a module called organisation behaviour last semester. It was supposed to teach me how to analyse the behaviour of people in a group and also evaluate how I personally behave when placed in a group of people. I chose to focus on my studies in that course on my communication skills. There were actually many techniques which I can use to open up. However I realised that it isn't easy to implement them. Not after being so cold for 24 years. Not after losing complete faith in relationships. I find that right now, all I want to do is get my degree, find a job, work till late everyday, go home have dinner and sleep.

I'll be leaving for melbourne again this sunday. Don't really know when will I be back again once I leave. Anyway I'm leaving. Physically. My heart though remains in Singapore. Whatever that means is up to speculation. Someone once told me, it's better feeling lonely when single than feeling lonely when attached.

Have anyone actually wondered why is it that whenever someone is feeling unhappy, people will console them by saying you still have your family and friends? Especially so when someone is unhappy because of relationship problems. I think it's completely ridiculous to lump the company your family and friends can give you with the company a partner can give you. Every aspect of it is different. It is only natural when someone gets unhappy, they search for comfort and the solution to the problem which is making them unhappy. If every problem can be solved by family and friends, there'll be no need for partners (boy/girlfriends, husbands/wives). Many times, the individual will know exactly how to solve their problem and where to find the solution of their problem. Which is why when people ask me why am I unhappy, I say because I'm lonely. It's the kind of void where only a partner can fill. I already have a great family and a couple of fantastic friends. There's only one thing I'm missing.

For the first time in a long time, I don't know where to find it.


珊瑚海

海平面远方开始阴霾 悲伤要怎么平静纯白
我的脸上 始终挟带 一抹浅浅的无奈

你用唇语说你要离开(心不在)
那难过无声慢了下来
汹涌潮水 你听明白 不是浪而是泪海

转身离开 (你有话说不出来)
分手说不出来 海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外
我们的爱(给的爱) 差异一直存在 (回不来)
风中尘埃 (等待) 竟累积成伤害

转身离开 (分手说不出来) 分手说不出来
蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白
当初彼此(你我都) 不够成熟坦白 (不应该)
热情不再 (你的) 笑容勉强不来 爱深埋珊瑚海

毁坏的沙雕如何重来 有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
只是一切 结束太快 你说你无法释怀

贝壳里隐藏什么期待 (等花儿开)
我们也已经无心再猜
面向海风 碱碱的爱 尝不出还有未来

转身离开 (你有话说不出来)
分手说不出来 海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外
我们的爱(给的爱) 差异一直存在 (回不来)
风中尘埃 (等待) 竟累积成伤害

转身离开 (分手说不出来)
分手说不出来 蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白
当初彼此(你我都) 不够成熟坦白 (不应该)
热情不再 (你的) 笑容勉强不来 爱深埋珊瑚海