i miss flying~~

I realised I haven't been blogging, not due to the lack of blogging opportunities, there had been plenty of stuff to blog about, but i just don't feel the urge to blog. I don't know why, somehow blogging feels like a chore again, think Singapore and blogging don't mix, it's better to blog in Melbourne.

Oh well, I miss flying. I don't know why I suddenly miss it, might be due to the fact channel 55 is showing a TVB serial on commercial pilots. However I don't watch it, I refuse to watch it. Because I know if I do, I'll miss flying even more. Whenever I think of flying, I think of Perth, the times spent there, the things done there and the things that went all wrong. So many things I could have, ought to have done better.

Anyway, I have realised my problem. I lack the ability to socialise and I'm too stubborn(or stuck-up?) to make the first move to break the ice. I'm also unable to ask for help when I really need it. I try to solve everything on my own, using my own abilities - however lacking they are, to solve everything. Why? Because I care too much for my own "face". I refuse to give the impression that I need help, or that I would actually need help. Because I care too much about "face", I've lost too many things, physically and emotionally. I regret those emotional losses the most.

I have always wondered why I cared so much about not losing "face". Not as though I have alot of it to show for in the first place. After reflecting, I'm a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none. Everything I tried, I've been able to do it competently, but none of it I can really do very very well. Oh, maybe screwing up I can do very well, but then that's beside the point. I guess the reason that I'm a jack of all trades is down to self-belief, knowing that I can do it if I want to. However there hasn't been anything I've done that I can say I have truly done my best and I'm very good at it. Even football, back in secondary school, if I may say so, I had quite a fair bit of potential. In cross-country as well, I could have remained captain of the team. However I can't stand not being the best in what I do. If I can't be the best, I won't do it.

And that's my downfall.....